Relationships 101: Things I'm Learning About I Cor 13:7

I Cor 13:7
Love hopes all things, endures all things, believes all things'

It expects/pulls out/calls out the best in each other, when the old man wants to be offended... believing and communicating with a Joy filled attitude and a spiritual/emotional posture of,
'That's not who you are; that's not the person you long to become; the fruits of the Holy Spirit are available to you bc you don't live in the old covenant, but in the NEW!  The same Power that conquered the grave, and the same Jesus that can conquer all the spiritually dead habits you long to ditch, LIVES IN YOU!' 

The new man, as an act of faith, develops a filter of LIFE-GIVING thoughts, feelings, and communication through which he operates from a foundational belief that respectfully communicates to others:
"No matter what I say
No matter what I do
You will always be in charge of your choices.
Not me or my pure hearted, intellectually formed sales pitch,
Nor my persuasive, logic based arguments,
Not even turning myself into a pretzel,
or suffering from sleepless nights trying to 'figure out' how to convince you of the validity of my thoughts and ideas. "

In many, many instances, the Rest and Peace of God may not have actually led me to engage in any unsolicited dialogue about my ideas at all, had I paused - - -
and waited patiently for His Rest.

And if AT ANY TIME, what's coming out of me isn't
Love
Joy
Peace
Patience
Kindness
Gentleness
Faithfulness
Goodness
And self control,
Then the Holy Spirit's not in it..,
And I may not launch into my schpeel,
Not in text, email, or verbal words.
Not if I intend to be a Kingdom woman
and an ambassador of the Lord Jesus,
Put on this earth to worship God and glorify Him forever,
To join forces with the Lord as Healer
And not with the enemy against the Lord's Beloveds.

My time and energy is limited, and needing to be expended to strictly what the Holy Spirit HAS INDEED assigned me to, and not what the old man feels is 'responsible,' based on social/cultural norms,
or on a less-than-mature understanding of how to be relationally effective.

Unless I have been given specific Biblical authority over another person,
And/or unless they've specifically asked or released me to give my unsolicited input or thoughts,

Then as one walking in 
Rest and Peace, 

as well as Christlike Love,

I walk away-
and invest that time and energy the old man would've wasted on a choice that doesn't work, and often wounds,
and instead, I give that effort to a better choice that might bear fruit.

Nobody likes a commentary, a wise woman taught me once.   And even children know to steer clear of those we  call 'blow hards,' or what we used to call 'show offs.'  A religious spirit is the biggest turn off, even when the bearer of it is pure of heart in every way.  

Ultimately
Kindness is what leads us to repentance.

'Preach often, but rarely use words.'
So if I'm hurting, afraid, or saddled with anxiety,
I cannot
1. emotionally and behaviorally react to the old man's triggers
or
2. acknowledge the old man's companions of negative, unhealthy coping mechanisms (developed at some pt, in order to survive a difficult stretch of circumstances beyond one's control that brought confusion or pain, and caused habitual patterns of thoughtless, careless, knee jerk reactions),
nor can I
3. relapse/backslide into the old man's emotional habits that used to automatically respond to fear or hurt with defensiveness, micro management, control, lack of integrity, or trying to lead/govern another person one hasn't specifically been released to lead, all as self preservation techniques. 

The enemy sets traps/'hooks'/triggers for each of us to relapse/backslide to our individual 'old man' bag of coping skills/defense mechanisms that enabled us to survive in the past, and we start digging around in the different ways we used to automatically respond, but this new life in Christ is abundantly full of newer, healthier ways of coping and of ACHIEVING SUCCESS in every relationship we're in- even the ones we once felt the most insecure about. 

Father's Day Eve

Happy Father's Day, Pa, Grandad, and Shane!

When I asked Shane to text an honoring description of the 2 men we're blessed to call our fathers, he replied:
'Hardworking men who set a tremendous example of industriousness and generosity,' and that's the bottom line. Our sons and daughters receive the trickle down effect of these generational blessings, and we don't take these strong character qualities in the men we each call 'Dad' for granted.

My dad, Tod Fridge, is pictured below at Christmas with Annemarie in red (she's changed so much in 6 mos.!). I honor him this Father's Day with a grateful heart, for choosing time with me on days he wasn't on the road with the intense job stress he embraced as an aviator (even pulling me out of school if need be, which made me feel so cherished), for opening up his home and pocketbook to my many children (when the timing is definitely not always convenient), and for praying faithfully with my mom over his children and grandchildren. My dad chose my mom and brother and I in spite of the permission that western culture gives us to bail on hard things, and having he and my mom still married and loving each other not only for the other's strengths, but in spite of the other's weaknesses, sets the pace for the Spirit-led grace we're learning to walk in, here in our home. You're a blessing to us, Dad.

My father in law, Joe Simmons (pictured with Annemarie in a sunflower bow, below) is the most generous human being I've ever met. He gives and gives and gives, like the Energizer bunny keeps going and going, like Jesus who never fails, nor turns his back on the needs of His children. He stays connected with my husband daily, and provides a consistent safe haven of grace and peace for Shane, regardless of how frightening the life storms his son is enduring at the time are (and his son has seen some SERIOUS collisions of life tornadoes in the recent past, and more times than he would've preferred to, before that, in only 2 decades of adult life). Thank you, Joe, for showing me what Christlike parenting of adult children looks like, and for modeling selflessness at levels most Christians will never see, much less be able to observe and learn from, in a family member.

I posted the following on Facebook tonight about Shane:
"This selfless father of ten is no 'run of the mill' American boy, like many men in our culture are, walking around in full grown men's bodies. He takes wise, well calculated risks in obedience to a God whose Kingdom is one of opposites, and trusts/obeys with a commitment to doing many, many hard things all at once, to be sure his wife and children have all they genuinely need...for life AND godliness.

My rock star man preached the folly of being too concerned about what people think to me (even those I'm supposed to care about their opinion, a little) from the Y the other night by phone (when he desperately wanted to work out, instead of listening to me wrestle with the praise and rejection of man). He's earned the right to speak firmly about such mature matters of the faith, as he lives out the balance of letting the right men speak into his life, while not violating the Scripturally pure principles that guide the doctrinally sound 'life GPS' he rests in: the wise Holy Spirit.

Thank you, sweet Jesus, on this Father's Day Eve, that Shane Simmons is the father and namesake of the little man inside me, and of our beloved 9 babies that aren't in the oven. We are blessed and highly favored to have been gifted with him as the patriarch of our estate."

8 of 43 years

Chace: As I crawled into bed last night and tried to get comfortable (in the wee hours of my 7th month of this pregnancy), I prayed that God would supernaturally drop one of those fancy maternity pillows I've been eyeing (since baby no. 5 or 6 was in the womb) in my lap, and soon.  Earlier that morning, Shane had been comforting and snuggling me, and was a bit taken aback at how strong SJ's movements were.   He was lovingly admiring my efforts to try to have a good attitude about the hard days of physiological challenges endured, while reminiscing about my pregnancies with our 10 children (this made a substantial deposit in my 'love bank,' by the way; guys take notice; affirming this thing we do to grow your babies is a good thing). 

16 wks, at Liz's house for breakfast after a happy sleepover

So I decided to do the math after Shane got up to shower, just for kicks.  It turns out that after 10 lunar months of 9 pregnancies, and 6 months of preggers behind me with this little guy, totaling 96 months, that when you divide by 12 months in a year, the equation ends with my having been PREGNANT FOR 8 WHOLE YEARS OF MY 43 YEARS OF LIFE. Dang. That's 18.6% of my lifetime... Almost a fifth.

8 years of battling heartburn over babies smoosh-ing my digestive tract in such a funky way that all the way back to carrying Ab (and for 9 pregnancies to follow) I've battled heartburn over even the healthiest non acidic foods, swelling and skin expansion that makes me itch like crazy, and now the post-op babies pull on the scar tissue and mesh inside on the left, to where it burns/aches almost from conception forward, but "Would I trade the parties Annemarie and I have in the baby pool for all the $ in the world?" I was reminded, quickly, after my mathematical moment (thank you, Holy Spirit, for bringing perspective to that negative place I ended up in).

The day we found out SJ was a 20 wk old boy baby

When I think about how the vision to rear children for the glory of God is coming to pass, it's impossible to be overwhelmed at the prospect of 16 more weeks of pregnancy ailments.  The magnitude of how Emma is expanding the Kingdom, engaging lost and hurting people almost daily, as she serves up Starbucks with a smile (and a Jesus inside that most of her customers have never met), or how Ab was thanking a friend by text last night for being the wise kind, who lets the Lord be the One to guide her family on whether they should audition for 'Willy Wonka' or not, it's hard to stay in this place of 'Woe is me' over being out of breath some, frustrated about old valves that don't open and close in my left leg like they once did, or bummed about bouts of occasional dizziness (when I haven't exercised the self discipline to recline more, to get the double blood volume pumped back up to my brain).   Even our dear, almost 14 year old 'Libby Lou Who' called me Saturday, exuberantly exclaiming all the creative ways she'd been babysitting the 3 littlest, so Daddy could take the others to see the new 'Fast and Furious,' and so I could get caught up on a mountain of office tasks.  How many 8th graders do you know that are seriously that selfless and into servant-hood?  Jackson is so tenderhearted that he thanked me recently for going to bat with his dad on something he felt prayerfully led to do (an opportunity Dad was unsure of) which is incredible for a 15yo young man to even know to communicate to his mother formally.  Our 12yo daughter Ruby gets strengthening prophetic words for others, which is astounding.

Ruby and Libby, 12 and almost 14

I read recently in a magazine from my chiropractor about a father whose life was radically changed from his wife's birth; every human being he saw afterwards was a reminder that someone labored to bring that precious person into the world.    Are we really that grateful for one another?  For the moms who carried us, the parents who provided for our needs as best as they could?   For the huge sacrifices they made to labor and prepare us to be effective adults?   I am not nearly appreciative enough, and am in need of a heart transplant.  

Change my heart, oh God, make it ever true, may I be like You:  
You who are never irritated or annoyed by what sacrifice for our families involves, how life ebbs and flows and requires constant figuring and refiguring to pull it all off, 
Your Holy Spirit who gives- in a limitless way- without doing the math. 
Forgive me, Lord, for these moments of humanity and weakness, and make me über grateful for the extra privileges that come from the extra responsibilities of managing our large family's logistics, and being the mother of many.

Our darling Josephine Grace, 8 1/2,  next to SJ in the belly at 24 wks gestation

Shane Gerald Simmons, affectionately known as 'S.J.'

Chace:
Oh, happy day. We know now that this extremely active child in my womb is a boy baby.  My husband and I snuggled, giggled, and prayed for the first 36 hrs we knew his gender, deliberating over a variety of hilarious name combos. We wanted to honor several Kingdom men that have made a huge impact on our world during his gestation, but we don't GET to cram lots of names onto his birth certificate because we are, unfortunately, white- and unable to enjoy the Hispanic cultural norm of naming your baby a lot of cool names in a row (and because I grew up in San Antonio, and since this 'guera' has always wished she was Selena, I can get away with that comment 😊😊😊)

In the early months of my pregnancy with our now 18 month old Annemarie, we knew if we were carrying a boy, that we wanted to name him after his Daddy, Shane.   But since her darling little girl-y self is NOT a boy, in ANY way, shape, or form (and considering we were 'done' and had declared Annemarie the caboose), we let the idea go of having one of our children named after their daddy.

So here we are, unexpectedly expecting this strong little man inside me around September 18, and we have officially hit the halfway mark. The first half of my pregnancy was not at all uneventful, and a much loved local spiritual daddy, Gerald Parsons, has been used by the Lord as a foundational part of the glue that has held this family together for the past 20 weeks. We're feeling loosely on the other side of a a collision of life storms the enemy almost used to drive us into a non-transient division from each other, and from the Lord.  Pastor Jerry, a.k.a. "P.J.", fasted 2 WHOLE FREAKING WEEKS for a breakthrough in our darkest hour. He's supernaturally been given the ability to father my sassy, "flesh as well as Spirit-led, all in one" self, while holding my precious husband's hand to the plow, when Shane had grown weary in well doing.

We became endeared to the name "SJ" after being drawn to the little boy's character on the film "The Blind Side," and so this little man will affectionately be called "SJ," as well:
because he is "Little Shane,"or "Shane, Jr," and because it's a very similar nickname to his other namesake, PJ. 

Sweet Jackie is so happy the baby is due the day after his 16th birthday

Ruby turned 12 this week!

We celebrated at Farley Street Park with Pizza Hut and ripsticks, skateboards, scooters, and roller skates, while Annemarie napped, and Abbie and Emma did their high school classes at home.  Ruby got the day off from school, too!  What a happy day!

This treasured little girl began her arrival into our world at bedtime on January 22, 2001, and after keeping me up all night long in labor (when it was time to push, I was begging for a nap, but was given a spoonful of honey by my midwife, Jane, instead), she finally arrived, shortly before the sun came up on January 23rd. Libby was a toddler and Jackie was so in awe of his tiny baby sister with curly strawberry blonde hair.  Abbie was in kindergarten, and Emma was spending her final days as a preschooler, enjoying living life with our dear friends in Lancaster.

I remember how she was one of those babies that needed me to bounce and rock her in a very specific way to be consoled, so we called this 'Shh, Shh, Shh' rhythmic bounce we developed just for her, 'the Ruby dance.' These past twelve years have stretched me and taught me more about Kingdom living than I could have ever known, had you not been given to me, as a gift from God designed immaculately for your mommy. It blows me away how your tenderhearted responses can calm me down in many conflictual situations where I'm experiencing anxiety from other variables. Your sweet spirit, an amazing blend of laid back in a way that's unusually thoughtful and sensitive, as well as teachable and compassionate, is life to both of your parents, and to your older sisters, especially on the stressful days of shaping you and your siblings in a Godward direction. I love you and look forward to the next 12 years with you, dearie, with joy and thanksgiving!

Antique swing outside our office window

I have fond memories from when I was a little girl of pushing my baby brother Chad and my cousin Jenny in a vintage wooden baby swing, hung in a shady tree in my paternal grandparents' yard. The antique stores in this darling gingerbread town where we live have all kinds of treasures, and I stumbled across one almost identical to Gramma and Dee's swing recently.

Our 4 bay carriage house contains all the leftovers from a less than organized effort to hurriedly finish renovations and unpacking, while I was on partial bedrest during my pregnancy with Annemarie. We shoved the last of the piles we couldn't get to in the carriage house, a little over a year ago while I was in labor.  It's a massive project we can't even think about tackling, for wisdom's sake, until the seasonal back to school and post holiday projects we're still fully engaged in are behind us. Since the carriage house is probably where the blue plastic Little Tikes baby swing that our first 8 babies enjoyed, I spent some of the birthday money Nana and Pa lovingly sent to our chubby baby on this pretty swing I found downtown. Now the newest munchkin discipline issue at our casa is quarreling over whose turn it is to push her in that awesome swing.

Are we blessed that our babies can play outside almost all winter in Texas or what?  Abbie and I actually got a bit of a sunburn the past 2 days that were unseasonably in the high 60's.  God is good to this 'reared in south Texas warm weather' mama of many, who needs sunlight to grow :)  .

Christmas Stress Solution No.1: Tallwish.com

I found this brilliant online resource, tallwish.com, where we can post the web addresses of any items that would genuinely improve our quality of life and/or our efficiency or productivity. This holds us accountable for taking the time to prayerfully think wisely about items that we genuinely do or don't have room for, in an already crowded household. When accessing this list, you can also see which category the list owner placed it in, one of four:
1. Must Have
2. Love to Have
3. Like to Have
4. Thinking About

We plan to keep it current and add to it all throughout the year, so birthday and other gifts are also less likely to need to be returned, exchanged, donated, or consigned . It'll also be a big help to me when I end up unexpectedly at garage sales and thrift stores, to have this handy list in my smartphone-  to differentiate the legitimate needs we've taken the time to really think through, from the temptation to spend impulsively on an item we really don't need or have room for.

We believe this tool will be of GREAT VALUE for the young couples we love to encourage, as many of them call us frustrated, sharing this same winter/spring project, following their American culturally normal Christmases each year. Shane's best friend from high school opened his garage door up not long ago, after Christmas, to visually display for his generous mother what 2 sets of materially blessed grandparents gave his family with 4 children that year. It was packed, and he explained that a trip or an experiential gift might prevent the stress he and his wife and children were faced with again, to try to figure out where to put it all. We're learning that because gifts is one of the primary love languages of those with time and spending power to buy lots of presents, these well-meaning people don't intend to cause strife; they're simply expressing a sincere love for their families. They honestly don't realize how much stress they can inadvertently cause, by buying what they want their children and grandchildren to have, rather than what would benefit them most. Here's to new beginnings!  And many thanks to Tallwish!